Inner-Thoughts and Feelings

So baby Kau'e is doing great but there are days that I just look at him and wonder if I'm doing a good enough job at being his mother! Seriously, I wonder if I'm simulating him enough, exposing him enough to learn and grown, and so forth! And trust me I've been doing a lot of reading but to be honest there isn't a lot of literature on Preemie's! A lot of the material out there is so vague because all Preemies are different (yes Full term babies are different too), so I find myself reading all the different levels of development per month and cut and pasting them together to come up with Kau'e's own "development plan"! A friend of mine told me that that could be kind of liberating because he can be his own and develop into whatever he's suppose to be! I love that perspective but sometimes a text book answer would be better!

Romulo tells me all the time to calm down and not get anxious about what Kau'e is and isn't doing! Plus, he says that yes he is still only a "newborn" but he's been expose tot he world longer than what a newborn would be so really he isn't a newborn! I have to remind myself that yes his actual birth age is 3 months 2 weeks but his corrected or adjusted age is 7 weeks! He's like the big kid in kindergarten that you want to treat like an older kid and expect him to do more but he's only 5 and is in Kindergarten.

Yes, Kau'e might be "3.5 months" and 16 lbs but he's a Preemie and one that needs to develop at his own pace! And I guess all the worrying is making me into a true mother! And I guess the worrying won't ever stop! Ha! I just hope and pray that what I'm doing with him is helping him!
But to tell the truth I get frustrated at times when he tries to be 3 month old baby one day and then goes back to acting like a newborn the next. As soon as i think we are in a pattern/schedule he goes and changes it on me! Which is normal right for babies?

I'm sorry if I'm just writing and not really thinking (hard) about what I'm saying I'm just getting it out there! Not everything in life is peachy, but I wouldn't trade it in for the world! I longed to be a mother, I prayed to be a mother, I tried everything to be a mother and I'm grateful now to be a mother!

I've learned a lot about being a mother in the short time I've been one! I've learned to forgive myself, be patient with myself (and others), prioritize myself better, self control, and trust yourself! It's amazing when you stop and really listen to your inner-self and the Holy Ghost; those two combined are more empowering than anything you can learn from a book! But sometimes you lose site of those things and find yourself in a store overwhelmed and anxious!

I was in Target the other day with Romulo and Kau'e. Romulo was taking care of Kau'e while I went around the store getting things off our list. Let me tell you I was OVERWHELMED, I felt like things were jumping off the shelves towards me! It was the weirdest feeling ever; I guess I had sensor-overload! It was the first true outing and had a lot on my mind even though Romulo was taking care of Kau'e I was still worried about things! I kept staring at my list and couldn't get things together. I found Romulo feeding Kau'e in the patio section and he looked at my face and knew something was wrong. He told me to take a deep breath and to just take one item at a time even if it took me 7 hours in the store to just focus on one thing and to not worry about Kau'e! It warmed my heart knowing that he cared for me and knew exactly what I needed. We ended up walking out of the store purchasing nothing! That night I walked through my list in my head with what I saw in the store and the next day I went to the store by myself and got everything we needed/wanted without a problem.

Other than that I love being a stay at home mom and I love taking care of Kau'e. My favorite time of the day is when he wakes up and he's trying to stretch it out and his eyes are still close even though he's trying to get them open, I go crazy kissing him and he's just so soft and precious I can't resist! And after his morning bottle he is all smiles and very awake and attentive!



P.S. Kau'e is starting to lose his baby hair and new big boy hair coming in! It's funny because he's losing it on the top of his head/crown area; maybe I'll put a little Jewish cap on his head to cover! Just kidding! But Romulo isn't kidding when he says he wants to buzz his hair!